[happiness is just a gash away.]


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[self portrait.]
02.11.05 (10:22 am)   [edit]

This isn't anything too eloquent, nor is it needed. I just felt the urge to rant last night and this is what procreated itself from my idle fingertips...


+ Self Portrait +


 


I sat in the middle of a pastel room. It's shaded white curtains dirtied themselves with a collection of dust and fermented mildew that no one bothered to cleanse. The soft taste of winter settled delicately on the tongue as it burned the nose with it's icy sceptor in hand to singe the face to a cherry red. Even from the humble inside the world in which I knew was bitter, and remorseful. Despondency ruled over the wilted grasses that laid outside the lone window to the left of the chair in which I sat sadly. My eyes had focuses on a faint photograph on the filtered walls. The face belonged to a small child that somehow reminded me of myself years prior. My epoch was something I rarely discussed, nor decided to believe was important.


Even so, the identical curls that rested loosely around the girl's cherubic cheeks were the same as mine now. Awkwadly shaped to hide the pallidness of the face and all of the identifiable features inbetween the masquerade. Her dark bangs fell over her eyes that filled the warped picture with melancholy, so warm and unsubstantial in it's manner, that seemed to far to fathom it's sorrowful depths.


I felt the urge to trace over the contours of the corrupted glass. Sandy knives danced within the pristine clarity of the sheer coating. Every sad smile she shed, I saw in detail as the line of photos faded into bleak recreations of solemn facades.


I perked my brows at the frame nearest the door. It's tarnished silver brought out the calm that stood silent, even so around the room I sat in so tiredly.


Being observant wasn't something I was proud of, but to be honest, I believed it to be a savior to the chaos around me. Some how, the resounding sound of nothing echoed in my ears as I heard my own heartbeat grinding compulsively in my chest. It flooded my head until I felt the pressure procreate it's presence against my temples. Before this was over I'd be beaten down by my own sinuses that pounded againt my nose.


It's rare to stare so fully at a meaningless image that can rape the inside of your memories until the expression and point of the mouth is marked permenantly.


Sighing, I sank back against the rickety wooden chair and stared downwards at my black stockings that found sanctuary just below my knee. They held nothing but dusty holes showing the pale pallor of my skin. I suppose for now I should let it go and simply ignore my own face hanging on the wall for the taunting eyes to mock descreatly. Their dismay, perhaps, will lead to my infinite absence a few years later on. Until then, I'll gaze through my mask of gossamer hair and rub clean the paint by number eyeliner that can't fix what they all see.
 
[What Happened At X-Mas.]
02.04.05 (3:54 pm)   [edit]

So last night I actually did something rather productive with my lazy ass and my hundred bucks of fury. ::grr::


So, Loren stayed the night and she'll be back again tonight with some more Blacks. I love those cigarettes, not only do they make you giggly and ravey, but they taste of cinnamon/apple cider (can't decide)


We took my sister to the mall with us last night and listened to hear rambling about her boyfriend, Ben Green. I know nothing about this kid other than he likes Usher and he likes eyeliner? (does that make sense? o.o;;)


I don't know, but at any rate...I wanna talk about ME. >.> Self indulgence at it's finest.  Moving on, we nearly died going in the parking lot of Famous Dave's where Loren and I picked up applications for server jobs. Wooo. I get to be a waitress unless Walden Books hires me! (grabs a top hat and cane)


I loathe waitressing, but if that's the only thing that I can get, I'll be more than happy to oblige and accept the hell terror of server annoying customers their food on a fucking silver platter - Cause I get tips.


<.<...Now, being in the mall I made everyone BOOK IT. It was fucking freezing and one of the doors didn't open, and this one asshole pulled the door back and he's all like, "It's open you know."


::Glower::


::hiss::


::Kick::


::stab::


Boom, the Tinderbox - it's the cigarette store where you can sit around and smoke. That's all cool and shit, but the fact that a pack of cigarettes in there runs about 5 to seven dollars is a bit steep.


The Blacks I bought last night were a little over six, but it's okay. I survived with going to Walden Books and being ransacked by InuYasha everywhere.


It's sad when you can be asked if you have all of something and reply with a simple yes and look and the shock on the clerk's face. >.>;;


I bought my Youkai Yasha box set with manga #19 Target Kagome <3


The first volume of Paradise Kiss and third to Sensual Phrase..That was only forty five dollars, so it wasn't as bad as I originally thought.


When we got to Cartoon Field I verbally orgasmed. o.o;; I really love that store...I REALLY do. <.<...


I was talking to Jesse on my cell phone through all of this and I'm sure he was bored off his ass. x1+2


The guy that owns the store walked up to me when I was at the cd rack, knowing that I was looking for that pesky Gackt/Malice Mizer singles cd and handed it to me along with the Best of InuYasha. >.> ::hugs him::


He told me that everytime I was in there he saw me with it and that he kept it for me because it wouldn't have anymore in until after XMas. : )


My sister found a cd too. She didn't have enough money for it so I took hers and paid for the Legend YuYu Hakusho soundtrack and a wall scroll that's ginormous of InuYasha/Kagome from the first movie I think. ::blinks:: It doesn't matter I have it so Bleh.. He didn't charge me tax on anything and he gave me ten dollars off of the wall scroll which I love him for. <3


I still have to go back with Loren next week to buy people xmas gifts. I really wanna buy Jesse this snazzy Arucard shirt with all the grrarrness to it and I need to get Hailie Trigun: Donut Packs 1 & 2 >.>


Loren, I'm not sure what she wants, but it's probably something that involves the creamy Manson. <.< Kat bought me the InuYasha action figure, even though she swore I didn't have it until Loren told her that I did about 7 or 8 times. >.>;;


So I have to find her something that she'll like.  She's really not at all bad now that she's having non shitty days at work. But at any rate, still very critical.


Ooo.. This morning I found out when my court date was so I'm excited. ::dances:: Social Security's workers are pretty cool. I poked one. >.>;;


Aside from that, there wasn't anything else that I did other than talk to Jesse all day and most of last night before I passed out on the phone. Gomen Jesse. x1+2 !!!


Nine >.>;;;;;


 


me and the ginormous Yasha--->


And out of my own dire boredom, a few pictures, including mini photos of my Kagome cosplay directly after AWA. n_n


 <three days no sleep x.x


chibi unprotected kagome-ness---->


 


And this one, taken via the technologic advances of my camera phone...


...I propped up on the giant yasha. >.>;;
 
+ Generic +
02.04.05 (11:10 am)   [edit]

All right.. Yesterday's something that I don't really want to go into it. . . Everyone that knows what happened already had to deal with the insignificant complaints that I seemed to ebb towards them. It's nothing that couldn't be surmised in a miniscule mental interpretation of what I go through every time I see said person that made my day a little less filling than an afternoon in hell.


Substance abuse - it's a new god in his life. Sadly, I don't want to involve my thoughts into that certain activity of his. It hurts like hell to watch his life drain from between his own fingers, but still, it's of his own doing and not my own. Therefore, I see that the whole aspect of gradual suicide is his purogative...and there's nothing that could remotely remove this prospect of his idealism.


::sighs:: Moving on.. Last night I talked to Jesse, as I do every night.. Only, this time, I was free from the binds of the synthetic induction to malignent cancerous cells in my brain. It was quite pleasent really... We scoured through the lovely internet for apartments -cheap ones- but, as usual, there's nothing that I could possibly afford. I mean, five hundred dollars for a one bedroom apartment, or a studio for that matter, is steep.


You could rent a drecript house and live soundly behind those walls just as well as in an mire of compressed board for the same price. ::shrugs: I suppose that if I'm to find any where else, other than in this hell hole, then I'll have to make a decent amount of money every month to save my own skin.. or atleast survive.


Ontop of that struggle, in it's self, I have to find a way to pay for my car payment when I need to. Seeing as I'm finally brave enough to drive on my own, and work until I pass out from the extremity of daily exhaustion, then I'll be happy if I could financial be stable.


I would love to live closer to Jesse.. It would be a weight of my shoulders to know that he was only a few minutes away, instead of the ten gloriously long hours that seperate us.. Damn distance and it's cheap thrills.. ::Shakes my fist::


But, supposing in all reality, this is going to be difficult, and I'll enjoy every blissfully pained second of it.. >.>;; Jesse's worth it.. I've told him this.. I know this, he does as well.


I'm to the point that, adorably, everyone that I'm in contact with knows about how I feel about him. Which, all in all, is a great relief that they understand - most of them anyway.


On the subject of today - I've been lonely as always. But that's nothing that I've come to care for.. I really wish that I wasn't alone here... and somewhere else.. if my drift is caught by the, one, possibly two people that read this less than insightful prose that builds up to create my life..


::smiles crookedly:: I'm going to cut this short.. a few things are bothering me and I feel the urge to maim something so, I'll go on my way and ignore the itching feeling of pathetic need that's crawling under my skin.. I swear, Jesse.. Always stuck in my head..
 
[asthsmatic sex.]
02.03.05 (7:15 pm)   [edit]


♥ [grinz] I have to love my former virgin boyfriend for his wonderous preformance and asthsma attack directly afterwards. [hugs a plush of him] On New Year's I'd gone to Texas just to see him for a little while before I move down there and it was, seemingly, the perfect time to get a good lay out of him. n_~


Granted I don't think he was emotionally stable enough to handle it, even though, it was just sex. [shakes my head] Jesse's one of those people that once he says that he's in a relationship for the "long haul" , he means it.


I've had my fair share of shit ass boyfriends in the past...


specifically - Adam Hawley, Jon Padilla, and he who shall remain nameless.


Those asstarts always said that they would stay with me, and being so naive to the whole dating situation, at the time, I believed them.


I'm perfectly fine with my Jess and wouldn't trade his religious ass for the world. Compared to him, I'm the antichrist...wait, let me rephrase that - the anime obsessed, video game playing, nerdy pervert antichrist.


Well, his dad seems to think so, and thankfully the dick head doesn't know about how we're going to get married in Vegas. >.> Imagine that, Elvis impersonater and cosplay.


That's a little bit classic...only slightly.


I don't think anyone in the states have gotten married dressed like InuYasha and Kagome Higurashi, so hopefully, we'll be the first. x.x Damn me and my cosplay-ness.


I partially want my friend, best friend really, Hailie to come and be a witness to that...Perhaps she'll stand up to her promise to pull of her "gay Sesshomaru-sama with Avon bag in tow.


That'd be priceless...though, as long as I'm spending the rest of my life with Jesse and his shiny pink spacer filled braces and his sexy hair, then I'm happy.


Jesus, I'm taking polaroids...[licks him]
 
bleh..
02.03.05 (5:19 pm)   [edit]

Normally, I would atleast give myself credit to find something to rant about before I actually started rambling on this thing...but alas, my boredom consumes me. Therefore, against my will.. I did this. x.x